In honor of Thanksgiving, here are 10 terrible things I’d rather be doing than eating any disgusting pie that is, for some reason, on my table.[/text_output][image type=”circle” float=”none” src=”1019″ alt=”” href=”” title=”” info_content=”” lightbox_caption=”” id=”” class=”” style=””][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 1 – Root for the Islanders[/custom_headline][text_output]Pie is terrible, and so are the Islanders. But, at least I’d get to watch hockey. My existence would be pain and there wouldn’t be any joy in my life when John Tavares leaves Brooklyn for Toronto, but there would still be hockey.
With pie, what is there? Just a gross concoction of things that taste better when they’re not in pie form, except for pumpkin. Anything pumpkin tastes terrible and I don’t understand why it’s become a flavor. Just because it reminds you of fall doesn’t mean you should be eating it, you psychopath.[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 2 – Watch 10 Straight Hours of Undisputed[/custom_headline][image type=”thumbnail” float=”none” src=”1022″ alt=”” href=”” title=”” info_content=”” lightbox_caption=”” id=”” class=”” style=””][text_output]THKIP THKIP THKIP WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Lock my television on FS1, throw away the remote and make me watch nothing but Undisputed for a 10-hour period and I’d find more joy in that then eating even one bite of your shitty pecan pie.
At least Undisputed would give me material I can make fun of on future podcasts or a litany of new reasons to think Skip Bayless is the absolute worst. All pie would give me is indigestion.
THIS IS UNDISPUTED.[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 3 – Transcribe President Donald Trump’s Next Speech In Its Entirety[/custom_headline][text_output]The amount of run on sentences I’d be typing out might send me to an early grave, but at least I’d be doing something with my time.
Pie sucks bigly, okay? If I was a pie fan, I’d be the biggest pie fan. Hugest in the country. But I don’t like pie, I’ve never liked pie. Pie is the favorite food of Crooked Hillary and Lyin’ Ted, so why would I eat pie? It’s a food for losers, and I’m not a loser.[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 4 – Spend An Evening With Chase Utley[/custom_headline][image type=”thumbnail” float=”none” src=”1024″ alt=”” href=”” title=”” info_content=”” lightbox_caption=”” id=”” class=”” style=””][text_output]There’s no rule that says I have to be nice to Utley during this evening together. I can be as petty and bitter as I want.
This is the one instance where I’d actually want pie in the room with us, so I’d have a shitty plate of food I can pick at and throw at him all night. Chase Utley looks like a guy that likes an assortment of pies, and that just adds to the terrible things that man stands for.
Fuck Chase Utley and fuck the pie he serves at his Thanksgiving dinner.[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 5 – Re-Watch Blade Runner[/custom_headline][image type=”thumbnail” float=”none” src=”1026″ alt=”” href=”” title=”” info_content=”” lightbox_caption=”” id=”” class=”” style=””][text_output]Blade Runner is without question the most overrated movie in cinema history. It’s so boring. You spend two hours watching paint dry in the dark while it rains outside. There’s no joy in it. The fact that it maintains a 90% score on Rotten Tomatoes is proof that a large portion of the population loves smelling their own farts.
And yet, I’d rather sit down and re-watch this abysmal movie than spend any time eating pie. Make me write a research paper on the use of shadows or something, would still be more enjoyable than hearing about how long it took for you to make your special apple pie crust and how it still isn’t as good as your grandma’s version.
Good for you. Nobody cares.[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 6 – Watch a Top Defensive Pairing of Nick Holden and Steve Kampfer[/custom_headline][text_output]The mere thought of a Holden/Kampfer top pairing makes my eye twitch, but it would give me the opportunity to point out just how bad Kampfer is and how much Holden relies on Ryan McDonagh for his productivity. Giving me the ability to tell you “I told you so” is infinitely more enjoyable than whatever gross-looking fruit you’re trying to shove into a pie crust, bud.[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 7 – The Dishes[/custom_headline][text_output]Make me clean some plates and wash some pots. I’d be doing something productive with my time and making life easier for my family and friends who graced me with their presence at Thanksgiving.
Hell, I’d even clean whatever plate you served your atrocious pie on. That clean up would be super easy.
Step 1 – pick up plate.
Step 2 – open garbage can.
Step 3 – throw out plate.
So easy and efficient![/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 8 – Replace Ryan with James Clark as my Full-Time Podcast Co-Host[/custom_headline][text_output]James is a smug fucker who thinks he knows everything, and while I love the kid to death, it would be a chore to keep his ego in check on a daily basis. It would be overwhelming.
AND STILL – give me that over any pie. Maybe I’d even get to make James cry on an episode someway, somehow. That’s a fun thought.[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 9 – Own a Cat[/custom_headline][image type=”thumbnail” float=”none” src=”1029″ alt=”” href=”” title=”” info_content=”” lightbox_caption=”” id=”” class=”” style=””][text_output]Cats are the pies of the pet world.
People who say “I’d rather have a cat than a dog because a cat is more independent” are basically saying “I want you to think I’m cool because I have a pet, but I don’t actually want to have a pet.”[/text_output][custom_headline type=”left” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true” id=”” class=”” style=””]Number 10 – Trade Places with a High School Freshman[/custom_headline][text_output]For the life of me, I don’t know how kids make it through high school in one piece. It seems like a miserable existence now with social media and cyber-bullying. Kids are fucking vicious and we the people have given them additional tools to be even more vicious.
And yet, I’d rather navigate through that four-year minefield than deal with your fucking pies. Maybe I’d be a better, tougher person for having Lindsay make fun of my dead dog behind my back on Twitter, or Jason posting on Instagram saying the school would be a better place if I up and died. I’d have more ‘character’ or some shit like that.
All pie would do is annoy me, and punching a pie isn’t as satisfying as punching a 16-year old in the face for making fun of my mom.[/text_output]
Author: Greg Kaplan
Greg Kaplan is a man of mystery. Did he write this? No. Was he asked to write this? Yes. But did he write this article? Maybe, do you like it?